by Regan Becker

“Discipline must come through liberty… If discipline is founded upon liberty, the discipline itself must necessarily be active. We do not consider an individual disciplined only when he has been rendered as artificially silent as a mute and as immovable... He is an individual annihilated, not disciplined.”

– Dr. Maria Montessori

*Sensorial: Fabric Tablets with Blindfold*

The Latin root of the word “discipline” is discipulus, which means “teaching or learning” – not as we sometimes think of discipline as a synonym of punishment. Montessori education aims to help a child develop self-discipline, independence, and confidence.

Founder of the school of Individual Psychology Alfred Adler – a student of Maria Montessori – coined the term “inferiority complex” and believed that behavior seen as misbehavior is caused by a person’s desire for belonging. Psychiatrist and educator Rudolf Dreikurs studied children’s behavior and adapted Adler’s work to describe how children may hold a mistaken belief that their belonging and capacity to be loved is conditional. Not all undesirable behavior is misbehavior. Sometimes the behavior is part of a child’s appropriate social and emotional development.

*Practical Life: Cutting and Serving Food*

Dreikurs identified four Mistaken Goals in a child’s so-called “misbehavior”, which Dr. Jane Nelsen codified into a chart:

1) Undue Attention,

2) Misguided Power,

3) Revenge, and

4) Assumed Inadequacy.

Adults in relationship with children (teachers, parents, and caregivers) can pay attention to:

1) our own feelings in response to a child’s behavior,

2) our usual (and often ineffective) attempts to curb the behavior, and

3) the child’s response to our ineffective attempts at control.

Adults often employ controlling behaviors of our own – either punitive or permissive. Punishment isn’t effective, because it intensifies discouragement, thereby sustaining the misbehavior. Montessori education is inherently non-punitive, develops both care for the self and care for others, and emphasizes intrinsic motivation (as opposed to rewards, threats, and punishments). Part of the adults’ work is to decenter ourselves. Kindness and firmness are the best responses in all four scenarios:

Undue Attention

A child who lacks a sense of belonging is willing to get any kind of attention – even negative attention.
On the flipside, a child who receives consistent attention and 1:1 engagement can also demonstrate undue attention when their regular dose of attention is reduced, or the adult gives attention to others – such as a sibling, their job, or a spouse.
An adult shows a child that they belong by:

actively listening,
trusting the child by involving them,
demonstrating loving and firm boundaries, and
encouraging the child to self-soothe and entertain themselves.

Undue attention seeks constructive activity.

Misguided Power

Offer limited choices – another kind of loving and firm boundary – such as “What would you like to do while I do _____?”
Make sure both choices are acceptable. Do not offer false choices or invitations that a child may reject.
Demands invite resistance. Curiosity questions invite cooperation.
It takes two to have a power struggle. Adults model how to calm themselves and self-regulate. Never talk to a child when they (or you) are dysregulated.
Look for opportunities to compromise or take turns.
Model problem-solving for next time.
Adults can be mindful not to model the same misguided power that they see as misbehavior in a child.
Misguided power seeks usefulness and freedom within limits.

Revenge

Adult retaliation and punishment (shaming, time outs, withdrawal of affection) provoke a child toward more vengeance, not less. Spanking invites revenge and is not a loving, firm boundary. Families/ caregivers who spank children may see a rise in revenge behaviors. School staff may never use corporal punishment.
An adult’s apology means the world to a child and reminds them that we are humans who make mistakes, take responsibility for harming others, and repair relationships.
Build trust with a child by reflective listening and allowing them to feel their feelings.
It is difficult for adults to enjoy a child who hurts others.
Distinguish between feeling vs. doing: “What you feel is okay, and I cannot allow you to hurt others.”
Make amends, not excuses. Excuses maintain power dynamics. Amends create reciprocity.
Give acknowledgements or compliments regarding a child’s progress.
Revenge seeks relationship, responsibility, and repair.

Assumed Inadequacy

Perfectionism is one cause for assumed inadequacy. Overdoing for a child may also instill in them a sense of assumed inadequacy.
Rudolf Dreikurs said, “Work toward improvement, not perfection.”
Some children are especially sensitive to criticism. They listen for the expectation of love in doing something properly. They understand that if they act imperfectly, they will not belong.
Self-esteem comes from developing skills.
What is an adult’s attitude toward their own mistakes? Children absorb our attitudes and self-talk. Our words and actions are all lessons to a child.
An adult can relate to a child’s experiences by telling a (very brief) story of their own struggles. This helps debunk the perfection myth and take the adult off their pedestal. This might make an adult feel uncomfortable, because they are “losing” an assumed “power over” that doesn’t really work. Connecting emotionally with a child actually strengthens the relationships, whereas maintaining power-over dynamics causes social and emotional problems to flourish.
Assumed inadequacy seeks small steps and appreciation.

Dr. Jane Nelsen’s Positive Discipline books reference the three As of special time: attitude, attention, and alone. Love is spelled T-I-M-E. In our busy and distracting world, the 21st century child may feel ignored, forgotten, disconnected, and unimportant.

Dreikurs taught that a misbehaving child is a discouraged child. The child’s behavior often shows discouragement. Unconditional love can grow that feeling into a sense of belonging. The root word of both encouragement and discouragement is cor, the Latin word for heart. All courage begins in the heart, and it takes courage to feel our feelings.

“(Self-) Discipline is born when the child concentrates his attention on some object that attracts him and which provides him not only with a useful exercise but with a control of error. Thanks to these exercises … the child becomes calm, radiantly happy, busy, forgetful of himself and, in consequence, indifferent to prizes or material rewards.”

– Dr. Maria Montessori, The Absorbent Mind

Positive Discipline & Mistaken Goals

by Regan Becker

The First Plane of Development